Hardest Decision of my Life?

Today i woke up and knew it wasnt gunna be the best. I could just feel it :(

so what happened?

It was a perfectly normal day. If anything i would have loved it. But alot came up and i have to make a few decisions. Can i list the choices? or even just the Problem like my other posts?

No. I can not.

Why?

because if i do peoples feelings will be hurt.

So here i go again. Listing my problems for all to read. Even though no one will probably read them.
Actually now that i think about it, the people that matter most and the people this is about will more than likely read it.

Damn. So how can i make this very broad and inconspicuous AND still get my feelings out...hmmmmmm
here we go.

Problem- im so fucking indecisive.
              
Answer- Ask friends and people what i should do. and then act on their opinions. Cause once i see others opinions i can actually formulate my own and my own plan of action.

so...easy enough eh?

No. Not at all.

Problem with the Answer- If i ask the people what i should do they will be optimistic and not tell me what i need to hear. They will give me hope.
Which they already have. And i love them for it. But i came to realize that this hope is so misleading it will indeed tear me apart.

So. You may ask why i need to ask for a depressing answer? because it is what is needed and i am to much or a bitch...no...i dont know what i am...I need the harsh reality of the situation which i already know. But i need to make someone basically tell me what to do.

What is this? Oh geez. Its an excuse.

An excuse to back up the huge fucking rock wall that is going to fall on me.
Its okay rock wall. i know you are going to crush me and tear me apart. But i know why and i have a reason for you to do so. 


shit....

So i am back in the same place. Where is that?
I am still the indecisive little kid i have been for the past like 13 years. its depressing. This whole situation is depressing.

HAHAHAHAHA

i just realized that even if i dont have to make this decision, the root of the problem will happen anyway! HA HA HA hahahahahahahahaha

i laugh at my own misfortune, my own demise, my own depression. what does that show? am i fucking crazy? hahahahaha oh my god.

this is funny, this should be an interesting read for you shouldnt it? hahahahaha or is it so fucking annoying cause you dont know what the fuck im talking about? probably the second of the two.

sorry :/

i just need to get this out of me. It is a coping mechanism.
a way to see my problems and asses the situation. To look at it from afar. Maybe i dont need another person to tell me what to do. i just need myself. I just need to re read what i am writing and judge myself to find the answer. hmmmmmm maybe that is a fix to the horrible problem.

The outcome no matter what is pain. Even if i answer the problem i will be in pain but i will save my future self. Is that so selfish? i think it very much is. But humans, no matter who you are, are the most selfish creatures i can think of.

So what if i ignore the situation, you ask? well i already answered that. I still will be in pain. But so much more. Im in pain now. and i will be until the very end.

Im arguing with myself. And there will be no winner......


so what happens?

you will see me staring. looking like im away. on another world. you may view it as being tired, as being rude and not paying attention, you may think im just stupid.

But the reality is, im staring cause thats how i think. I am deep in thought. Thinking of every out come. Hoping, hoping so much that i can find a solution without pain.

so am i ignoring you when you see my staring off? yes. yes i am. Why? because my life is more important that yours. now, that may be a harsh reality but in my opinion it is. And i will take my life for anyone in the world so that they can live. I will do anything to help another person. I will. but right now. I am being so selfish cause i am in so much pain that i cant even describe it..... and there is no reason that i should suffer. unless it is to learn.

Thank God i am a good actor. Thank god when you ask what is wrong i laugh at your joke and then go on looking fine as i did a month ago. Good think you will never know when i am in this amount of pain.
The only way you will know is if i tell you and i trust you enough to take the harsh reality and cope with it. But i am the one who determines if you can cope. I will.

I say again. Thank god i am a good actor.
Good night :)